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The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her
eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship.
“I’m sick of choosing guys who aren’t there for me. They seem
great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then either
they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting
that cold look in their eyes. I can see they don’t care after
all. I can’t stand this. Why do I do this over and over?”

In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated
patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to
make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as
children, but the feeling of despair and depression can deepen
if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned
childhood.

This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works:
Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story
turn out right–to find someone who will finally come through
and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetition,
until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do
exactly what was done to us as children. If you were abandoned,
they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this may be
what you experience all over again.

For instance, most women involved in relationships where there
is domestic violence either were beaten as children, or observed
it for many years. If you were verbally abused, you will find
yourself hearing the same phrases and feeling exactly the same
as you did when you were a child. There you are, thinking you
have just found the love of your life, when a terrible feeling
comes over you–”I have been here before,” says the voice inside
your head, a feeling of dread running through your body. It’s
not déj vu; it is an unconscious repetition of the past.

There is good news about all this: You can change these old
patterns. It takes time, awareness, determination, and work on
your part, but it can be done.

How to help stop repeating abandonment and abuse in your life
now:

1. First, you have to recognize you are repeating your past
patterns. Become aware of a familiar, sinking feeling, or the
feeling that you are a bad person, or not good enough, or feel
awful about yourself. Ask yourself: is there something going on
now that reinforces that feeling?

2. Consider your past patterns with parents. It helps to write
down these patterns, as you can be objective about them if you
see them on the page.

3. Write about being a child of about five years old; nine years
old; 12. What was life like in your household? Who was there
connecting with you, and how?

4. After making that objective list of patterns in family and in
the past, write down any parallels between then and now, paying
particular attention to feelings. Sometimes the action is
different but the feeling is the same.

5. When you are drawn to a new person, get to know him better
before getting involved. Spend time to find out how he treats
you when he is having a bad day, or how he acts when you say no.
How you are treated at the beginning of a relationship when you
are not being pleasing or saying yes, when you make boundaries
for yourself, is only a hint of how it will be later on.

6. Keep your need to be loved and accepted in balance with who
the other person is and his or her needs. Take your time to find
out more before getting too involved.

7. Write in your journal to become more aware of patterns,
concerns, and actual events. You can refer back to them later.
This documentation may clear up any future confusion about
reality.